I know it has been a long time since I have posted. Okay, a REALLY LONG TIME. Like, two years. I am really sorry. In fact I thought about just deleting this blog many times, but, I couldn't. I wanted to come and post so many posts, recipes, updates and stories... I felt shameful. The reality of this blog situation is this:
After my last post I was way too busy being a mommy to Gia and Gemma. I kept putting off blogging and just wrote my posts down in a notebook and never turned on the dinosaur of a computer to write a post. It took hours! Luckily now we have a laptop and it will work for this purpose!
Now, let me tell you why I have decided to come back to the world of blogging. A LOT has happened since that last post. I know it left you anticipating my series. I know you were disappointed. I am truly sorry for being the lamest blogger ever. Please forgive me!
A couple months after the last post our family found out we were expecting our third child. Mateo and I were over the moon! We believe every child is a blessing (especially after trying for two years to get pregnant and having fertility issues before we conceived Gia) and this child was no exception!
I had a ROUGH first trimester this time around! Morning sickness triggered my vertigo (from a previous car accident) and I spent MANY hours crying and puking sitting in a cold shower. My husband was so very supportive and sweet during this time. I lost 15lbs and was the smallest I had ever been in any of my pregnancies.
Thankfully, the sickness passed and we had a beautiful gender reveal party and found out we were having another girl! I was beyond excited! My husband chose her name and i chose her middle name. I could not decide between the two names I adored and then I prayed and sought the Lord's council. That night I had a vivid dream that I was standing in our backyard looking out at the horizon. The suns rays were just beginning to peak as a new day was dawning. i looked down and in my arms was a bundle wrapped in a plush pure white blanket, a perfect baby. The suns rays shined on her beautiful face and then I noticed that there were wildflowers all around me. The sunlight hit the flowers just perfectly that the morning dew made everything around shine. The air turned a glittery gold and I looked down at my sweet baby and woke up. I went to the description of the two names I was considering and realized that when I combined the two it meant " a bright pure light shining off of the dew of the flowers." What a divine moment! There was no doubt that her name was chosen by God.
I spent the next few months preparing for my VBAC homebirth. I exercised regularly and was addicted to researching and educating myself on birth and the birth culture. I prayed and believed for a supernatural labor. I had NO DOUBT whatsoever that God was going to provide me with all I prayed and asked for. I had MANY people who were against my decision and who did not understand that I tried to have a medical VBAC but was literally shunned by my doctors and insurance for "wanting to be different". I literally had one OB tell me , " I make $500 if you push that baby out and $50000 if I do a repeat Csection. What do YOU think I am going to pick!?". I had so much sadness that I was not educated on natural birth and a woman's ability to birth before I had my first child. I had NO REAL REASON to not birth at home. I felt a supernatural peace about it and was so excited to finally be able to not have a birth rape.
On July 29th 2014 at 8am I was stepping out of the shower at 41weeks 5 days of pregnancy when my three year old daughter Gia came bursting through the door and proclaimed ," MOM! Call Nonna!" I looked at her and asked ," what for, baby?" and continued to dry myself off. "Because baby Giada needs a birthday cake today!" I looked at her puzzled and then all of a sudden I felt the gush of my water breaking. I was in labor. My handsome husband filled up the birth pool and I turned on my worship music. It was time. I had the most AMAZING, PAIN FREE labor you can imagine. the entire time I had my heart turned to God and I sang in worship. I felt God's presence with me the entire time. With every contraction I felt my muscles tighten but it did not hurt. It was like a workout. Mateo recorded so many videos, we worshipped, we were amazed at how faithful God was to our prayers. That He met us there, in our room and gave me the labor I so desperately longed for.
I felt my hips open with one contraction and bam! Her head engaged and my body started pushing on its own. I looked at Mat and said , " Here we go! get ready to meet our baby!" I pushed one big push and felt her crown. Then I felt the tear. A searing pain at my cesarean scar. I knew from my research that this was bad. I tried to push again but, I couldn't. My uterus had torn and could not work properly. ( I want to take this time to say that the midwife we had hired had not shown up yet) I told my husband to call an ambulance. Within minutes we were at the hospital and in labor and delivery. The nurse was a cruel woman who said to me , " what were you thinking!?! The last woman who tried to homebirth's baby DIED! SO SELFISH!" I calmly looked at her and said, " I am not an idiot. And I rebuke you in Jesus name. Get my baby out and put me in surgery. " She found the heartbeat of the baby and my heart beat when the ob walked in. the mean nurse threw open my legs and shouted , "OMG! The baby is right there! " The OB walked in and said, " I don't care. Hospital policy is no VBAC. Get her in the OR". I was writhing in pain. I was on the operating table and I felt the baby start to kick. i knew that meant she was in distress. I looked at the doctor and pleaded with her to just suction my baby out, then fix me.
Instead, she held my legs down and yelled, "No! where is the anesthesiologist!? i need to cut now!"
he showed up still chewing whatever he was eating. I looked at him and begged him to hurry. I knew my baby was in distress and I knew that everything was going so horribly wrong. And then all I saw was black.
I woke up and saw the nurse. I asked her where my husband was. "He is coming." was all she said. I asked her where my baby was and when i could see her. She looked at me and said, " How are you feeling?" "Fine. Where is my baby?" I asked again. "Lets wait for the doctor. I will go get your husband". The doctor then walked right to the desk area in front of my bed and sat down, writing down whatever it was in a chart. I begged her to answer my questions and she ignored me the first few times until I was practically yelling at her for some answers. She turned to me and said, "Lets wait for your husband." I knew something was off. I was extremely confused and afraid. Just then my husband and my best friend walked in. My husband came to my bedside and Rachel grabbed my hand. The look on my husbands face was pure devastation. I looked up into the eyes of the man I love and said one word, "Giada?" And with a shake of his head my heart shattered into a million pieces. I looked at Rachel and she squeezed my hand and whispered, " she didn't make it." The pain that I felt in that moment is indescribable. It was so real, so raw that my mind cannot even fathom now what exactly it was that happened. I remember screaming, " I am a horrible mother! OH! NO NO NO NO!! MY BABY!!!! NOT MY BABY!" Then I was injected with a sedative. And everything goes fuzzy, except for one thing. My husbands face. I remember the exact look of his face, the sorrow in his eyes and the way he could feel the exact same emptiness I did.
I want you to understand the pain and anguish my husband experienced. While I was in surgery for I think, 3 hours or so code blue was called. My entire family including my husband all thought I had died. The waiting room was hysterical chaos. My family has told me that my husband hit the floor crying, praying to God to spare my life. He sobbed and pleaded with his Lord to let me live. He told God that he could not survive without me. Our children would not, they needed their mother. His heart broke and he physically could not get up. Around an hour later he found out that I had lost over a gallon of blood, had 6 blood transfusions (add one more later that night) and had to have a complete uterine reconstruction. He found out that I was still alive from a doctor who was furiously trying to convince him to have a vasectomy because he "had the perfect Disneyland family already" and was worn out and emotionally exhausted. When the doctor told him our daughter had not lived my husband told her that I was going to be devastated, that I would not survive that. He told the doctor that was trying to resuscitate our baby to plead the blood of Jesus over her. I am so proud of him and the faith he showed in that moment.
The next thing I remember is being in a hospital room and a nurse bringing me my precious baby.
Giada Lucetta Fiorenza Martinico weighed in at 9lbs 9oz, 21 1/2 inches long and she her beautiful face was perfection. She is the perfect blend of her sisters. She has Gia's cheeks, my mouth, eyes and Gemma's nose.
She was dressed in my favorite outfit I had purchased for her. I bought it in every size I could find because it had a cat in a gondola dressed like an Italian and said "Ciao Bella!" all over it. She was lovingly wrapped in a blanket I had made especially for her with her name all over it in different shades of purple. Everything about her was so perfect, ten fingers and toes a whole healthy looking baby. But, she was lifeless. I stared at her in wonder and my heart begged for her to open her eyes, to take a breath. But, no matter how much my heart begged she never woke up. She never opened those beautiful eyes to look into the face of her mommy. Instead my angel baby opened her eyes in heaven and saw the face of Jesus.
I have NO DOUBT whatsoever that our daughter is in heaven. I have had "God kisses" which are moments when the Lord sends small glimpses and signs to let me know that He is with me. That He is always faithful and most of all that He is love. A few weeks after that horrible day when my life was turned upside down I was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes. My mind was spinning with thoughts of planning Giada's memorial and I just closed my eyes and let out a sob. tears were flowing down my cheeks and my heart was squeezing in my chest. When all of a sudden I felt this warmth and in my minds eye I saw my hand. I knew it was my hand because the hand wore my wedding ring. And a small childs hand grabbed my hand and squeezed tight. I heard a small voice whisper, " I am so proud of you Mommy." I opened my eyes and looked out the kitchen window. This peace came over me because I knew that God had allowed my daughter to comfort me. To show me that I was doing everything okay. That every tear, every emotion I cried and felt made her proud to be in heaven and look down at me trying to survive life without her in it.
Surviving is what I am trying to accomplish. The journey of grief is not pretty, it is raw, real, ugly, healing and at times it is beautiful. One of the most beautiful moments for us were / and still is the times of having friends, family, even strangers show us support and that we are thought of and loved. Our family received so many beautiful cards (which we tucked away in Giada's memory box with love) so many messages, phone calls, gifts ( both financial and physical) and prayers. To know that so many people were praying and thinking of our family was beyond amazing to us. It was difficult to send out thank you's and remember too. But, each one touched our lives in ways you cannot imagine. We are so grateful to see the compassion of Christ in others. Here is one of my favorite gifts, I see this before I sleep each night and every morning when my eyes open:
This portrait of our sweet Giada in the arms of Jesus brings my heart peace and so much comfort.
I know this has been a very emotional and honestly raw post. It has taken me two days of tears to write this. But, I want you to know and understand that my blog will be taking a different turn. it is going to be about my journey. I have poured myself out into my family trying to comfort and meet their needs in every and any way I can. Before Giada passed I was sure that I knew who I was, what I believed about being a Christian and considered myself to be a okay. Well, let me tell you... nothing tests your faith like tragedy. I have learned so many life lessons these last ten months that I could probably write a book... or four! Instead I have written them down in a journal, posted some on Facebook and now I will be blogging them. Along with posts about my journey of self discovery.
Some people know that I questioned our daughters death from the moment they took her to the morgue. I had spent all of those hours researching and studying, prepare myself for her birth. And a lot of things did not add up. Well, I took my questions to the doctor and confronted her with my suspicions. Unfortunately, she confirmed my suspicions and confessed that our daughter passed away because of medical negligence. Our worst fears were confirmed. Our daughter was murdered. It was in that moment that Mateo and I decided to forgive the medical staff and move on to pick up the pieces of our life. Many people do not understand our reasoning of not wanting retaliation or "justice" and that is okay. We have and still feel that a trial is like a wound that is never allowed to heal. the scab is ripped off constantly and every part of your life comes under scrutiny. We have nothing to hide, but, we love one another and our family more than the price of possibly breaking up our family for worldly justice. We chose to forgive and trust In God's plan and in His word; " Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, "I will take revenge; I will pay them back," says the LORD." Rom 12:19
In the face of adversity we have clung to our Faith and our knowledge of God's character. Every day is a struggle to chose to believe in His sovereignty . I lost who I once was and am now discovering who I am called to be, who I really am, what I really value and what truly makes me happy. Yes, cooking still makes me happy! But, so do my children and seeing life through their eyes. Little things make me happy. Having a perfectly clean house and children who wish I spent more quality time with them doesn't. I would rather have dishes in the sink, muddy boots and filthy children who feel loved, appreciated and wanted. Having a happy family based on faith, love and hope is the legacy Giada leaves to our world. And that is what I am going to blog about. My crazy, messy, delicious, love filled, big fat Italian life!
I hope you stick around!
Tanti Baci,
<3 Marialisa
XoXo
No words. Just thank you
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